From a Place of Compassion

A Letter to My Freshman Self

“College will be some of the best years of your life.”

That’s what you were constantly told from the movies you watched to the books you read, and for many, they are. But for you, reality has strayed far from that picture perfect experience.

Your first two years of college looked a lot more like this: You spent the first six months being told you weren’t good enough to be loved; you spent the next six months hearing “no” more times than you could count. And you spent the next twelve months trying to piece together what little was left of your self-worth.

It was in college that you found yourself at your smallest. Old insecurities resurfaced, and new ones you didn’t even know existed took root. More often than not, you laid in bed, mind whirring through all the mistakes you had made that day…and yesterday…and the day before and the day from freshman year of high school that you still can’t quite forget even if everyone else has.

You can’t fall asleep, and it’s because you overthink, and you’re too emotional, too sensitive, and you speak too loudly, speak too much, but not enough when it actually counts. You can’t fall asleep because you lack intelligence and work ethic, and you are lucky enough to be loan-free, but you’re just wasting this opportunity for a great education. It’s 3 A.M. now, and you really need to sleep because you have an 8 A.M. lecture tomorrow, but you can’t because you’re so damn insecure, and nobody wants to be around someone who’s constantly doubting themselves.

And every night, it comes down to the same scathing question.

Why can’t you just be better?

The thing is, it’s hard to find the motivation to be better when you keep breaking yourself down until you are thoroughly defeated. I know you think that if you guilt-trip yourself enough, you will finally be struck with the inspiration to make a change. But I’m here to tell you that it won’t work. Surely, you must have realized this by now. You’ve spent the better half of the past year condemning yourself for every little thing, but has that created any real improvement?

No. So let’s try something different.

As cliché as it sounds, I’m here to tell you to be a little kinder to yourself. Instead of constantly criticizing every blunder you have made and every flaw you carry, try to come from a place of compassion.

On the days when you are struggling to just get out of bed, there’s no need to berate yourself. Sure, this might be an easy task for everybody else, but you happen to find it harder. That’s okay—everyone is different. Try to remind yourself of what you are looking forward to that day, and if you do manage to get up with time to spare for breakfast, celebrate that!

Small victories are victories too.

When it feels like you are barely staying afloat while everyone else is racing onto bigger and better things, remind yourself that everyone goes at their own pace. Remember whose you are; remember what you value most. You are more than your grades. You are more than your career. You are more than what people think of you. You don’t have to compare yourself to anyone else.

I know changing this mindset is easier said than done. After all, old habits die hard, and this particular one has been with you for years. Perhaps it is your Asian upbringing or simply your naturally competitive streak, but you have trained yourself into believing that success is only achieved when you have bested everyone.

The thing is, there are 30,000 students at the University of Michigan, and there are 7 billion people in this world. The odds are that there will always be someone out there doing something better than you. There are inevitably going to be times when your best efforts won’t put you on top—that’s life.

You are more than your grades.

You are more than your career.

You are more than what people think of you.

You don’t have to compare yourself to anyone else.

However, that doesn’t mean you have failed. If you have truly given your all, then that is all you can really ask of yourself. You might have made some mistakes, but you have learned, and you will move forward. Yes, it is cheesy, but I think the researchers might be right when they say there is power in growth fueled by self-compassion instead of fear of not being good enough.

So promise me that from today, we will try to be a little more forgiving of ourselves, okay?

Sincerely,

A still confused, but slightly grown 20 year old Katie